with Auren Hoffman
November 10, 1997

BLANK BOY A collection of thoughts from Behind the White Consciousness by Auren Hoffman Note: For the next few weeks, Summation will feature fictional pieces by Auren Hoffman The following are exerts from the diary of Mark Lowen, currently a senior at the University of California. I'm a racist. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but I don't think all races are equal in every category - if you can categorize such things. I believe we all are inherently different. As much as I want to believe otherwise, we cannot ignore the facts. Let's get this straight right off the bat (whatever that means) - I'm white, but I don't think the white race is superior or anything like that. I just think that because I'm white, I'm different. That's all - nothing more. A Chicano girl named Leticia told me I couldn't be a racist because I was Jewish and my ancestors had experienced oppression like hers did. I called her a "spic bitch" to prove her wrong. It didn't work, now she's one of my best friends. Last year there was rioting in the streets. Today, there is an aura of rejoicing and relief that no riots occurred. The police officers who beat Rodney King were convicted and sent to jail. I'm relieved that I don't have to go through the riots again. That was a horrible experience. I was still in high school then - it seems like such a long time ago. I don't understand why people riot and destroy their own neighborhood. It just doesn't make any sense. As I said before - I'm a racist. How else can one explain why the National Basketball Association is over 80% black? It has to be race. After 2 years at UC, I have learned very little. Of course, there are no easy solutions to problems which have persisted since the world's beginning...but we can always hope and dream. I still have not yet defined what race is. What is black, white, tan, yellow? I thought I used to know. Winning journalism awards in high school for articles on racism made me think I was somewhat of an authority. I had it all figured out back then. The rednecks (usually the cops) were racist and the good loving white citizens were compassionate, understanding, and treated everyone equally. I understood that racism still persisted but I thought it could be stopped. I saw the problem back then. Then I came to UC and was called a racist within three weeks. As you can see, I am a torn individual. I'm torn between my progressive roots (my great-grandfather was one of the founders of the NAACP) and today's practical society. In fact, sometimes racial issues overoccupy my mind and thought. I'm afraid that I'm becoming conservative. The elections were today. Though I publicly opposed Proposition 187, I actually voted for the measure in the confines of the ballot box . I'm afraid I may do likewise on the California Civil Rights Initiative in 96. In a breach of party loyalty, I voted for Pete Wilson over Kathleen Brown for Governor. However, I still remained true to Senator Feinstein. I'm dating this beautiful Asian girl. She is smart, pretty, and fun to be with. We're somewhat serious now but she won't tell her parents about me because I'm white and I'd never be accepted she says. Apparently, she only dates white guys and her parents think she's a Lesbian. Last night I said to her: "you parents are racist," and she just smiled at me. I still can't understand University admissions policies, especially Affirmative Action. Is it fair? As a Democrat, I want to support these policies but they don't seem to make any sense. Why are Latinos included under the Affirmative Action umbrella while Asians are excluded. Are Latinos more discriminated against than Asians? Probably not. Dave Schnider, a high school friend of mine, is white, Jewish, has parents who earn over $500,000 a year, and has an endowment fund left to him by his even wealthier grandparents. Yet Dave got into UC under the Affirmative Action program because his father was born in South America and is therefore considered Latino. Is that fair? Studies suggest that over 35% of those who claim their Latino are actually white. If you haven't realized it already, I tend to digress. Don't let it bother you too much - I have many profound thoughts and my mind works faster than my fingers can type. Two black kids mugged me last night. They took my wallet and made me get on the ground and count to 500. They were gone by the time I reached 25. They only stole $40 in cash but the wallet itself is worth another $40 at least. I spent an hour filling out the police report and then another three hours canceling all my credit and debit cards. What a waste of time. Worse, I totally bombed my midterm today because I was unable to study for it last night. The professor would not take my excuse for a retake - absolute bullshit. I'm taking an African American Studies class this semester. I'm not sure why I enrolled in this class - probably to take a stab at this diversity thing. I finally figured out where all the crazies hang out. Now don't get me wrong - the professor is really cool, the material is very interesting, and the most of the students are normal. But a select few of those taking the class are certifiably insane. They're mad. The class is rather cozy, with only 15 enrolled students. Two of the fifteen are white. One of the black students, Martin, keeps calling me John - the name of he other white student even though I keep correcting him. Martin says he can't tell the difference between us - he says that all white folks look the same to him. This is utter bullshit. John is short, I'm tall. John has blonde hair, I have brown hair. John sports a mustache, I'm cleanly shaven. John has glasses, I wear contacts. We look nothing alike. Who am I? I am Mark Lowen, a senior History and Political Science double major here at UC. I'm a non-practicing Jew originally from the L.A. area in Southern California. I'm a Democrat - have been for all my life though sometimes I'm not sure why. I voted for Clinton in 1992 and probably will do the same in 1996. I'd like to be a lawyer but I'm not sure what type of law I'll practice yet. Why do I tell you all this? Because this information is essential to develop my young character for my eventual biography. By the way, this diary is only to be read by me, my biographer, and my future wife. If you're not one of those three people - get lost. Stop reading now - this is private property. I'm not kidding - I'll do everything in my power to destroy the rest of your life. They caught one of the muggers trying to use one of my canceled credit cards at an electronics store this morning. I went down to the police station to pick him out of a line- up. It was easy. I found out later that the kid was only 13 - younger than my little brother. The cop told me that he was wanted in connection with two other muggings and is a suspect in the Brookstone kidnapping! He's still in elementary school - what is this world coming to? After class today I pulled Martin aside and politely asked him if he would start referring to me as Mark from now on. We're three months into the semester and he still says John and I are the same person. He said "No problem John." "My name isn't John. It's Mark. Get that through your thick skull." "You're name is John until I say otherwise, understand?" What was I supposed to do? Martin is twice as big as me and would kick my ass in a second. So I did what any respectable white boy would do - I complained to the professor. I asked him if I could get a little respect. But Professor Thomas wouldn't even give me the time of day! He told me that I didn't understand black youth and that I should be more understanding. I was told that Martin's ancestors went through hard times. "Mine did too," I countered. "My mother was the only one in her family to escape the Holocaust!" Everybody is part of their own group at UC. Black people have the Black Student Union and the black fraternities and sororities. White people have their living groups. Asian folks have the Chinese Student Union, the Korean Student Association, Tomodachi, Indus, the Asian fraternities, and the Engineering honors societies. Mexicans have MeCHA, RAZA, and the outreach organizations. I walk around the plaza and see everybody in their own group, very little intermingling. UC is supposed to be the most diverse campus in the world. 34% Asian, 32% white, 17% Latino, 7% black, 2% American Indian, 8% other (whatever that means). The University President calls that "diversity" but if you walked down the middle of campus you'd call it "polarization." Nobody branches out unless it's absolutely necessary. I admit, I'm part of the problem. But it's not really my fault, "diversity" is stressed so much at this school that exactly the opposite happens. I don't know why, can't we all get along? I was talking to one of my Chinese friends the other day. She is really racist but that is considered acceptable in her culture. She has this theory of intellectual racial superiority which many other Chinese people apparently hold. It states that there is a hierarchy in intelligence that goes like this (in order from smartest to dumbest): Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, Vietnamese, Indonesian, South Asian/Indian, Caucasian, Japanese, Middle Eastern, African, Latino, American Indian. She says this theory is proven over and over again in test scores. I don't agree with this theory but I listened to humor her. "Why are the Japanese so low on the totem poll?" I asked. "Because they took over our country and acted like Barbarians," she replied. Fair answer, but didn't the English do the same thing? The Regents voted to end race-based affirmative action today. Instead, they are creating a new affirmative action program based on financial need and geography. Good for them! Finally some objectivity in the UC admission process. Down with race-based admissions policies - they only help the rich anyway. As I said before, I don't have any of my own theories about racial superiority. I, personally, am very smart - but I know a lot of really dumb whites. When I was young, my parents used to read to me every night. They taught me to count to 100 before I was 30 months old. This intellectual attention allowed me to develop my brain at a very young age which is a large part of the reason why I'm so smart today. I don't want to brag but I'm very intelligent. I can write an A paper in less than two hours. I have a 3.81 GPA which should help me go to Harvard Law School - my top choice. I helped out on the Mayor Frank Jordan Re-Election campaign today. He's running for SF Mayor against Willie Brown. The run-off election is in a few weeks. My friends accused me of supporting Jordan because he's white. They said that almost every major Democrat in the state has endorsed Brown. But neither of those statements are true. Jordan has been a lifelong Democrat and is endorsed by plenty of respectable Democrats. Brown is absolutely corrupt I argue, but my friends won't listen. Now I'm a racist. There's a vote next week to decide whether or not to expel me from the UC College Democrats. I can't believe their arrogance! Last year, when I was President, I took the club from 23 members to 340 members! What do I get for my efforts? An eviction notice. I told them to "fuck off" and said that since I'm currently the Treasurer that I will just take the money and start my own club. I built the club once and I can do it again. I just finished my speech - it depicts my enemies as Stalin and me as the helpless Trotsky. I hope the analogy works - it should be close vote. Politics at UC is evil, ugly, and treacherous due in large part to race. Everyone is posturing to win the votes of their preferred minority and those who try to bridge the race gap are accused of being spineless, if not racist. In politics, minorities have power - they have the power to call someone a racist with little or no evidence. This is a very damaging statement and thus this power should not be taken lightly. I was sitting in class today listening to a boring lecture. Written on the desk were the was a disgusting remark: "Fuck white boys." In different handwriting "Fuck American fucking white assholes" was scrawled on a neighboring desk. I tried to erase the markings but they were engraved in the wood of the desk. So I wrote "you're a racist - go to hell." Dave Schnider called me today. He wants to lead a coup to become the President of the UC College Democrats. Dave found an old by-law which states that new members can register up to a day before any vote as long as they pay their dues. I used the club's money to register everybody in Dave's fraternity - most of them white. The vote to expel me never came. Dave acted too quickly. He motioned to expel all the dissidents first and the motion passed easily. As the new President, Dave thanked me by getting 10 people to volunteer for Frank Jordan. Dave is a good guy - I'm setting him up with Leticia next week.

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