Summation: Auren Hoffman

with Auren Hoffman
week ending April 6, 1997

The Great Handle Debate:
Why I'm Against Door Knobs
by Auren Hoffman
Door Knobs -- they are so impractical yet so prevalent in our society. I'm a handle man (a person who thinks handles are more appropriate then door knobs). Like the "tastes great -- less filling" controversy, the handle-knob debate is taking our nation by storm. Speaker Newt Gingrich and former Senator Bill Bradley are heading up the newly commissioned bi-partisan Special Congressional Sub-Committee on Extra-Unurban Affairs for Finally Resolving the Ongoing Door-Handle Controversy and have their work cut out for them. They will be considering the issues and hope to work out a compromise by September.
The Democrats, led by Bradley, favor door knobs because they are harder to grip and thus provide for a more secure lock. They called Cindy Crawford as an expert witness who said she likes knobs because "of their smooth surface and shiny exterior." The Republicans countered with expert testimony by Sharon Stone who likes handles "because of their firm grip." Gingrich says that for those low security rooms -- like classrooms and internal rooms – handles would make a better door opener.
Democratic National Committee Chairman Gov. Romer, reacting to a GOP plan to cut Medicare and Welfare to those people still using knobs, said "this is an obvious move by the radical Republican rignt to undermine good-government and plague the elderly and the poor."
The Republicans, who added "Conversion to Handles" as part of their Contract with America, are out for blood. They even called student witnesses. One student complained how handles can prevent embarrassing moments - like the time he was going to class with about 20 books in his arms. When he got to the door he was faced with a dilemma: (1) balance the books on his knee while reaching for the knob or (2) putting the books down on the floor, opening the door, holding it open with his foot while looking like a dork, and picking them up and passing through. Of course he picked the former option and, while doing the daring balancing act, he slipped and fell on his face and was rushed to the hospital for the concussion he received from the hardcover books landing on his head. The student insists that if the door knob was replaced with a handle -- he could then easily open the door with his back or butt and prevent the embarrassment.
President Clinton, a left-hander, broke with his fellow Democrats in his move toward the middle. He says door knobs are particularly tricky for those left-handed students. Which way do you turn to open? Clockwise? Counterclockwise? Does it matter? Handles make everything easy - just push down – it is so simple.
In fact, Clinton is quick to point out that handles are the door opener of choice in Europe. The President claims that the peace process in Bosnia has crumbled because the Croatian Foreign Minister was insulted that his room in Camp David used a knob rather than a handle as a door opener.
This controversy has become so large that managers at Hewlett-Packard and other high-tech firms have eliminated doors altogether. These managers claim that work production suffers when employees spend their time debating the merits of door knobs. "Rather than deal with this very tricky situation, we implemented a solution where everyone is happy," says HP Spokesman I.B. Print. Print, along with the Coalition of Governors, are pushing to eliminate doors across the country. However, Swing-It ™, makers of door hinges, strongly opposes the compromise and has given heavily to both Republican and Democrat campaigns to prevent the measure. "I don't care if we have handles or knobs," claims Ron Hingmeister, CEO of Swing-It. "As long as doors still exist, we are in business."

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