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Hoffman Announces he will Enter the NBA Draft!!
by Auren Hoffman
Does recruiting get you down? Personally, sending out hundreds of resumes and having my mailbox overflow with rejection letters is not my idea of a good time. I'm not normally one to complain, but it seems that recruiting defies the laws of supply and demand (or defines them). Though services like BridgePATH help recent grads find jobs (and they're free), looking for employment is no fun. Anyway, I hate ties.
So what is a poor student to do? Do what I did - last week I held a press conference to declare myself eligible for the NBA draft. That's right, with opening salaries in the seven digits, playing basketball sure beats sweating it out in some investment bank. Though it was a tough decision, I have decided to forego my last year of eligibility and enter the pros. My parents are very unhappy that I will not be finishing school, however, I could not possibly take the chance of getting injured.
Like Shawn Kemp, I have never played college basketball. In fact, I can one up Kemp - I never even played high school basketball. That's okay, because like Kemp, my raw basketball talent will propel me to stardom and lucrative corporate endorsements. As the first major Jewish sports star since Sandy Koufax, my picture is sure to appear on every jar of gifilte fish and every bag of fresh bagels.
Sure, I'll get some stares and some trash talk on the court, but my intimidating six foot, 165 pound frame and my behind-the-back passes will more than make up for it. I know what it means to be a winner - I was the 1981 Central Elementary School Athlete of the Year (first grade). I hope to be the first upset fan who calls out "even I can shoot better than that!" to actually prove it.
Don't worry - I won't let fame go to my head. I won't be wearing any doo-rags and I certainly will not start eating pizza crust-first. Rest assured, when I'm voted Most Valuable Player, I'll be sure to send you my autograph.
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